The Truth About Me
Jun 5, 2012 22:27:01 GMT -6
Post by Meredith on Jun 5, 2012 22:27:01 GMT -6
In the many years you have known me, I know you have witnessed many versions of "Swissy" and I am sure at one point- maybe even the beginning, you found that I spoke many falsehoods on my part.
When I first met you two, I was young- well we all were, and I was desperate to be liked by anyone who would reach out to me. I joined the multiple pet sites not because there were games or virtual pets there, but because there were people on those sites. In all honesty, when I turned eleven, my world was flipped upside down by two malicious little girls who had once been my friends. Rumors about me being a lesbian were spread across the school, and for little children who grow up in a small town, this was seen as strange, different and promptly divided every kid in my school against me. Rumors of things I apparently said and did were told to everyone until I did not have one friend left save for a small Beanie Baby, an iguana named Izzy, that I took to school every day and spent my recess with her in my lap. She was small enough so no one knew I had a stuffed animal with me, but she was a comfort and a friend when I had none. I remember multiple times reaching out to girls, trying to be friends with them, only to have them shoot me down or worse, to take pity on me and spend a few days being my "friends" only to turn around in the end and tell me they hated me.
By the time I was twelve, I was clinically depressed and I begged my mother often to take me out of school and to home school me, which she never did. It wasn't until the middle of my sixth grade year that one of the two girls who had made my life a living hell, came to me and admitted that the other girl was doing the exact same thing to her. Me being me, I took her as a friend again. By this time, I had already discovered the websites though.
I never had any intentions on lying about who I was. I remember I started to rp with the group forums, I spent my time learning how to write when I realized I had a small talent there. I remember one day though in particular when one of the girls I rp'd with often, called me 'Lilly', who had been the character I rp'd as with her. I immediately saw a chance to reinvent who I was. Even at that young age, I so despised myself as a person, that I was ready to create a new me. So I answered to the name.
I met you both very soon afterward, quickly discovering that everytime I spoke to either of you in ooc terms, that I was in danger of not being enough LIKE you for you to like me. So I lied. I lied, a lot. I told you all my name was ... I believe... Lilly Bouffe. I said that I had a boyfriend. I made up intricate lies about my home life. I said I was in the same grade as you both, when I was a grade under- honestly who really cares? I doubt you both would have ,but at that time it was so terrifying to lose your approval and friendship that I didn't want to risk it. It STILL IS terrifying to be admitting this all to you both.
As I grew older my remorse for my lies grew heavier. I started to try to back track on a few, and I am sure you might remember some of those times. The thing is, I was never a fake in my rl. Who you met was who you got. I hated liers, I hated those who showed me someone they were not. I continued to be destroyed in rl though, and I continued to find myself in more destructive relationships than good ones.
My sister used to tell me I was fat every day of my life, and I remember showing you guys a picture of some random girl I found online. I remember showing you my real picture calling the girl my "cousin". I cannot even remember all the lies I told you all.
Here is my repentence though. I am standing here, begging for your forgiveness. I do not think either of you have told me a single lie in my life. IF you have, I honestly do not care. I will admit now, that the reason I disappeared from IiS was not because I became too busy. It was because I joined Second Life, where I was ME. My username was my real name, when I told people about my rl, I told the truth. I did not feel like a fake, I did not worry that I was not keeping up with my lies, I made friends who knew me as me. I was ashamed to come back and tell you both the truth about me.
Recently though, one of my good friends on SL confessed to us all that she never told a single truth online to anyone. That she had lied about her family. I believe her words went something like this "Some of you know me as a mother, some of you know me as a single woman. Some know me as married, seperated, divorced. They know me as a favorite aunt. They know me as a 40 year old, or a 26 year old. They know my first name as Beth, Gabby or Faith." and as she confessed to this, I realized that, I had not loved her for who she was outside of the site. We had developed a friendship from our time spent together. I could care less about her rl if she did not wish to divulge it. I never had even asked her about her rl, she had just been inclined to share. I assured her that she didn't need to lie to me- she did not even need to tell me about her rl at all. I loved her for Gabby. I forgave her of her lies.
That, plus a few other revelations in my recent past have moved me to finally tell you both Who I am. Because I think of you guys as friends, and I do not believe you know me in the least.
I am Meredith. I am 20 years old, and I have only been drunk once in my life. I have struggled with my faith the last five years of my life, but I am very much so a Christian. I love people, and I love to write, but my biggest passion is children. I have been a nanny two times before, and my current job is to nanny for two children. I have been a camp counselor for years now, and I have been a nursery worker as well.
In high school, I got 3rd in my state for my teaching skills. I was the President of FCCLA, and the President of the I.N.K. club, a creative writing club I founded. My days were gobbled up with Band, I was a flute player, and learning more about kids. IN fact, my senior year I spent every other day entirely in a first grade class as a student teacher.
Recently I have considered quitting college to join culinary school though, because I love to bake. I HATE sweets. But I love to bake. I can cook pretty well, but baking is so much more fun.
I am overweight. I have struggled with my weight for years. I have lost, gained, lost, and gained 40 pounds in the past 2 years.
I have tried to commit suicide, once. It was exactly one year ago. I don't like talking about it much because it makes me cry when I remember that pain.
I have been in an abusive relationship.
I have a 28 year old boyfriend who wishes to marry me, but because I am so screwed up I can't feel yet ready to tell him I am ready for him to propose.
I have said goodbye to two grandmothers in the past three years, but I only miss one. And I have no other relatives past my immediate family that I would miss if I didn't see them again for years.
I have never been to a concert, musical performance or a party that I wasn't hosting (and those were SLUMBER parties) in my life.
I have been diagnosed with OCD Anxiety, which keeps me trapped ina bondage that is just yet another thing I struggle and will struggle with all my life.
I don't trust people anymore. Every last friend I have had has turned around and stabbed me in the back. I have convinced myself for years that it is me, but recently I have realized I idiolize my friendsand set them on a pedestal which just sets them up for failure. Every friend I had in high school turned around and told me they never liked me.
I am a virgin. And I am proud of it. Not because its something God wants, but because it is a promise I made to myself and I have stuck to it. I lost my first boyfriend because of it, who dumped me when I still would not put out. My current boyfriend not only respects it, but thinks its admirable- AND HELPS ME, in my moments of weakness. (Lets face it, sex is fun, and I know its fun, and I still resist it because of my promise to myself). But I have NEVER judged ANYONE who is not a virgin, because it is a choice of MINE that does not put me above anyone else in this world.
I am so sorry that I ever lied to either of you. I hope you can forgive me.
~Meredith
P.S. I go by Mere, a lot. I answer to Meredith, have always answered to Meredith, but now everyone but my family calls me Mere, which ... someone started randomly one day. But, anyways. You can call me Swissy, or Mere, or Meredith, I really don't care.
When I first met you two, I was young- well we all were, and I was desperate to be liked by anyone who would reach out to me. I joined the multiple pet sites not because there were games or virtual pets there, but because there were people on those sites. In all honesty, when I turned eleven, my world was flipped upside down by two malicious little girls who had once been my friends. Rumors about me being a lesbian were spread across the school, and for little children who grow up in a small town, this was seen as strange, different and promptly divided every kid in my school against me. Rumors of things I apparently said and did were told to everyone until I did not have one friend left save for a small Beanie Baby, an iguana named Izzy, that I took to school every day and spent my recess with her in my lap. She was small enough so no one knew I had a stuffed animal with me, but she was a comfort and a friend when I had none. I remember multiple times reaching out to girls, trying to be friends with them, only to have them shoot me down or worse, to take pity on me and spend a few days being my "friends" only to turn around in the end and tell me they hated me.
By the time I was twelve, I was clinically depressed and I begged my mother often to take me out of school and to home school me, which she never did. It wasn't until the middle of my sixth grade year that one of the two girls who had made my life a living hell, came to me and admitted that the other girl was doing the exact same thing to her. Me being me, I took her as a friend again. By this time, I had already discovered the websites though.
I never had any intentions on lying about who I was. I remember I started to rp with the group forums, I spent my time learning how to write when I realized I had a small talent there. I remember one day though in particular when one of the girls I rp'd with often, called me 'Lilly', who had been the character I rp'd as with her. I immediately saw a chance to reinvent who I was. Even at that young age, I so despised myself as a person, that I was ready to create a new me. So I answered to the name.
I met you both very soon afterward, quickly discovering that everytime I spoke to either of you in ooc terms, that I was in danger of not being enough LIKE you for you to like me. So I lied. I lied, a lot. I told you all my name was ... I believe... Lilly Bouffe. I said that I had a boyfriend. I made up intricate lies about my home life. I said I was in the same grade as you both, when I was a grade under- honestly who really cares? I doubt you both would have ,but at that time it was so terrifying to lose your approval and friendship that I didn't want to risk it. It STILL IS terrifying to be admitting this all to you both.
As I grew older my remorse for my lies grew heavier. I started to try to back track on a few, and I am sure you might remember some of those times. The thing is, I was never a fake in my rl. Who you met was who you got. I hated liers, I hated those who showed me someone they were not. I continued to be destroyed in rl though, and I continued to find myself in more destructive relationships than good ones.
My sister used to tell me I was fat every day of my life, and I remember showing you guys a picture of some random girl I found online. I remember showing you my real picture calling the girl my "cousin". I cannot even remember all the lies I told you all.
Here is my repentence though. I am standing here, begging for your forgiveness. I do not think either of you have told me a single lie in my life. IF you have, I honestly do not care. I will admit now, that the reason I disappeared from IiS was not because I became too busy. It was because I joined Second Life, where I was ME. My username was my real name, when I told people about my rl, I told the truth. I did not feel like a fake, I did not worry that I was not keeping up with my lies, I made friends who knew me as me. I was ashamed to come back and tell you both the truth about me.
Recently though, one of my good friends on SL confessed to us all that she never told a single truth online to anyone. That she had lied about her family. I believe her words went something like this "Some of you know me as a mother, some of you know me as a single woman. Some know me as married, seperated, divorced. They know me as a favorite aunt. They know me as a 40 year old, or a 26 year old. They know my first name as Beth, Gabby or Faith." and as she confessed to this, I realized that, I had not loved her for who she was outside of the site. We had developed a friendship from our time spent together. I could care less about her rl if she did not wish to divulge it. I never had even asked her about her rl, she had just been inclined to share. I assured her that she didn't need to lie to me- she did not even need to tell me about her rl at all. I loved her for Gabby. I forgave her of her lies.
That, plus a few other revelations in my recent past have moved me to finally tell you both Who I am. Because I think of you guys as friends, and I do not believe you know me in the least.
I am Meredith. I am 20 years old, and I have only been drunk once in my life. I have struggled with my faith the last five years of my life, but I am very much so a Christian. I love people, and I love to write, but my biggest passion is children. I have been a nanny two times before, and my current job is to nanny for two children. I have been a camp counselor for years now, and I have been a nursery worker as well.
In high school, I got 3rd in my state for my teaching skills. I was the President of FCCLA, and the President of the I.N.K. club, a creative writing club I founded. My days were gobbled up with Band, I was a flute player, and learning more about kids. IN fact, my senior year I spent every other day entirely in a first grade class as a student teacher.
Recently I have considered quitting college to join culinary school though, because I love to bake. I HATE sweets. But I love to bake. I can cook pretty well, but baking is so much more fun.
I am overweight. I have struggled with my weight for years. I have lost, gained, lost, and gained 40 pounds in the past 2 years.
I have tried to commit suicide, once. It was exactly one year ago. I don't like talking about it much because it makes me cry when I remember that pain.
I have been in an abusive relationship.
I have a 28 year old boyfriend who wishes to marry me, but because I am so screwed up I can't feel yet ready to tell him I am ready for him to propose.
I have said goodbye to two grandmothers in the past three years, but I only miss one. And I have no other relatives past my immediate family that I would miss if I didn't see them again for years.
I have never been to a concert, musical performance or a party that I wasn't hosting (and those were SLUMBER parties) in my life.
I have been diagnosed with OCD Anxiety, which keeps me trapped ina bondage that is just yet another thing I struggle and will struggle with all my life.
I don't trust people anymore. Every last friend I have had has turned around and stabbed me in the back. I have convinced myself for years that it is me, but recently I have realized I idiolize my friendsand set them on a pedestal which just sets them up for failure. Every friend I had in high school turned around and told me they never liked me.
I am a virgin. And I am proud of it. Not because its something God wants, but because it is a promise I made to myself and I have stuck to it. I lost my first boyfriend because of it, who dumped me when I still would not put out. My current boyfriend not only respects it, but thinks its admirable- AND HELPS ME, in my moments of weakness. (Lets face it, sex is fun, and I know its fun, and I still resist it because of my promise to myself). But I have NEVER judged ANYONE who is not a virgin, because it is a choice of MINE that does not put me above anyone else in this world.
I am so sorry that I ever lied to either of you. I hope you can forgive me.
~Meredith
P.S. I go by Mere, a lot. I answer to Meredith, have always answered to Meredith, but now everyone but my family calls me Mere, which ... someone started randomly one day. But, anyways. You can call me Swissy, or Mere, or Meredith, I really don't care.